


a suicide note of sorts

by neverescape



Category: Death Note, Death Note & Related Fandoms
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 19:15:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8502154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neverescape/pseuds/neverescape
Summary: There is a bottle of pills.
One.
Two.
Three.
Lined up in front of him.
Light has travelled a long and lonely road against his depression, and now it is time for that journey to end.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Little trigger warning before you start. Referenced cutting and deliberate overdosing.

There is a bottle of pills.

One.

Two.

Three.

Lined up in front of him.

Four.

Five.

Six.

How strong are these?

Seven.

Eight.

Better to be safe

Nine.

than sorry.

Ten.

He knows he is shaking. Can feel it in his fumbling hands. Can hear it in his stuttering breath. Can see it in the mirror.

Eleven.

A fucking mess.

Twelve.

It is sneering. Inside. In his head. He can hear It.

Thirteen.

Mocking him.

Fourteen.

Abusing him.

Fifteen.

stop

Sixteen.

It’s stopping soon.

Seventeen.

So is he. But it’s the only way he knows how.

Eighteen.

He is crying.  He can see himself. His eyes are red too – he was never a pretty crier.

Nineteen.

But he can’t feel them. He can’t feel much these days, other than the numbness.

Twenty.

How ironic. He must make himself numb in order to feel. He hasn’t been able to feel in a long time.

Twenty –

No. There has to be enough it has to work I can’t stand to see It gloating when I fail again can I do nothing where is the next bottle there has to be one there always is it has to get the job done I need to feel and the pain isn’t hurting anymore I need this where is it where has it gone –

Twenty one.

There’s a couple of boxes knocked over. Nothing too bad. Nothing too frantic. He is calm.

Twenty two.

He is looking himself in his bloodshot eyes and he can see the noose tightening around his neck.

Twenty three.

It can’t see the noose. It can only see the pathetic shit staring back out of the glass.

Twenty four.

He looks down. He does not want to see himself. Looking at his image shows all the things It is right about.

Twenty five.

Weak.

Twenty six.

PATHETIC.

Twenty seven.

He can still see the tears and now his breathing is laboured too. He is sobbing, he realises.

Twenty eight.

They are wracking his body but he mustn’t stop counting.

Twenty nine.

He is alone in the house, and he knows this, and he is sorry that he will cause them pain when they return to find him. But that pain will be overshadowed by the relief

Thirty.

of his death. It will be a blessing. He can see that they hate him. They say it is love. It can see underneath and It tells him the truth.

Thirty one.

He is not lovable. He is worthless. He is a hindrance, a weight tied to their ankles as they try to climb the ladders of life.

Thirty two.

He will cut the strings first, out of kindness, before they are forced to do so out of necessity.

Thirty three.

It does not think he can do this.

Thirty four.

But he can. This is the only thing left. His arms bleed where he tries to feel something other than empty.

Thirty five.

He is a broken soldier

Thirty six.

left fighting

Thirty seven.

on an empty battle field

Thirty eight.

waiting

Thirty nine.

for the final shot.

Forty.

This number is safe. This number is good. This number is high. He reaches for the glass. He is still trembling and his hand slips on the tap but the glass is full. He picks up the first pill.

Forty.

Relief

Thirty nine.

pure and sweet

Thirty eight.

It is ending.

Thirty seven.

It can feel him.

Thirty six.

It knows what he is doing.

Thirty five.

It will always win.

Thirty four.

But this way, he wins too.

Thirty three.

They will sink this ship together.

Thirty two.

This is good, It tells him.

Thirty one.

It is pleased.

Thirty.

It will die too

Twenty nine.

but it was only ever here for him.

Twenty eight.

It has never been pleased before

Twenty seven.

And he feels the slightest bit

Twenty six.

of pride.

Twenty five.

It has been so long since he made anyone smile

Twenty four.

without it being fake

Twenty three.

to appease him

Twenty two.

to humour him.

Twenty one.

It is pleased.

Twenty.

And he thinks

Nineteen.

That the pills are working now.

Eighteen.

His head is foggy.

Seventeen.

But he will finish.

Sixteen.

He must.

Fifteen.

or It will be so angry.

Fourteen.

He is tired.

Thirteen.

So tired.

Twelve.

Soon he will close his eyes

Eleven.

and then the end.

Ten.

He is so sorry.

Nine.

So sorry.

Eight.

But they can be

Seven.

happy

Six.

now he is gone.

Five.

Now.

Four.

He.

Three.

Is.

Two.

Gone.

One.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this instead of going for my box of pills.
> 
> I hope I managed to convey the feeling well enough.
> 
> Please let me know what you thought with a comment. They're very helpful.
> 
> Have a nice day.


End file.
